Robert De Niro: Why are we supposed to be impressed that Robert De Niro decided to not mail it in for the first time in 15 years? You shouldn’t get an award for finally doing your goddamn job. He wasn’t even that good. He was still playing Robert De Niro. It’s not like he was playing Malcolm X. Half of his lines consisted of, “The fuck is wrong with you?”
Alan Arkin: Are you a respected elderly actor who gets all the good and dirty lines in an otherwise serious movie? OSCAR NOD FOR YOU. Bonus Oscar points if you’re playing someone IN the film business. Voters love that. “Oh hey, he’s an asshole who works in show business! I can totally relate to him!”
Jennifer Lawrence: I’m not gonna say anything bad about Jennifer Lawrence and you won’t either because if you do I will find you and I will END you. I think we can all agree that Jennifer Lawrence is a celestial sex-cherub sent down to Earth by Our Loving Creator to end all wars and have all our babies. Her delicate mouth, husky voice, and supple thighs foretell it. I WILL WAIT FOR YOU, JEN. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE WAITING FOR YOU, NO MATTER THE COST.