Feb 3 4:07 pm
“

1. Hand the child over to his mother.
Your kid just got third-degree road rash on his elbow when he wiped out on that tire swing. You, awkward father that you are, are of NO help to him. My son begins to scream out, “MOMMY!” before the skin has even started to break. Mothers are soft, gentle, tender, and reassuring. Fathers are big, clumsy, and retarded, and they usually grab you too hard and in the wrong spot. I tried to soothe my kid once when he got hurt and he was like ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! WHERE IS MY MOTHER? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT THIS SITUATION REQUIRES A REAL PARENT, YOU DICK? Kids will actually cry out, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” if you’re a Dad and you try and soothe them. They’re openly offended by the idea of you trying to help. You repulse them.

So that’s the first and only step. UNLESS the mother isn’t around. In that case, you’re fucked. But you may as well try these extra steps.

”
How To Care For A Bleeding Child : Drew Magary (via themattsmith)

Helpful tips for some of those soon-to-be Dads out there.

themattsmith Via: theMattSmith

Likes and Reblogs

  1. bshw reblogged this from themattsmith
  2. mathteach reblogged this from l3fan-o-rama
  3. apieceofmine reblogged this from girl-named-bill
  4. girl-named-bill reblogged this from thegreg
  5. thegreg reblogged this from themattsmith
  6. l3fan-o-rama reblogged this from themattsmith
  7. alittlezombie reblogged this from themattsmith
  8. themattsmith posted this

Responses

  1. bshw reblogged this from themattsmith
  2. mathteach reblogged this from l3fan-o-rama
  3. apieceofmine reblogged this from girl-named-bill
  4. girl-named-bill reblogged this from thegreg
  5. thegreg reblogged this from themattsmith
  6. l3fan-o-rama reblogged this from themattsmith
  7. alittlezombie reblogged this from themattsmith
  8. themattsmith posted this
Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
loading

Loading more posts...

Following:

RSS Archive