The Greg // brianvan: Coughlin: “GOD DAMMIT!!! WE ARE FOUR...

The Greg

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Jan 18 8:12 pm

brianvan:

Coughlin: “GOD DAMMIT!!! WE ARE FOUR MOTHERFUCKING DAYS AWAY FROM THE FIFTH GAME OF OUR LIVES IN A ROW AND I SEE ALL OF YOUR SORRY ASSES GETTING SOFT IN PRACTICE! WHERE’S ROLLE?!?!”
Umenyiora: ”I am not answering that until I get a contract extension.”
David Carr: ”Coach, Antrel is doing a taping with Howard Stern right now.”
Coughlin: “ASDHJFALSDKJFLADSJF;LJK!!!!”
David Carr: ”It’s ok, coach, we talked to Antrel about his tendency to bring locker room matters into talk radio shows, and we thought it’d be best that he redirect that energy elsewhere. So he’s on there talking about the time that him and Dave Attell went to Vegas with $100,000 in cash.”
Coughlin: “YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT’S GENIUS. WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?”
David Carr: ”Umm, Eli’s not here.”
Coughlin: “WHAAAAT!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY STARTING QUARTERBACK?!?!?”

Eli: ”Uhhhhhhh!!! Tummmy!!!!”
Coughlin: ”GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!?!?”
Eli: ”Mooooooommmmmm!”
Webster: ”Man, I told you not to get in another double-stuff contest with Albert Haynesworth! That guy ain’t got nothin’ else to do but whoop your ass at cookie eating!”
Coughlin: “THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING CATASTROPHE!!! HE’S GONNA MISS HALF A DAY OF PRACTICE OVER THIS! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING MEN? DO YOU WANT THIS GAME TO COME DOWN TO ANOTHER FUCKING BOTCHED SNAP LAST PLAY? I’M NO JIM GODDAMN FASSEL, I AIN’T GOING OUT LIKE THAT! I WILL KILL EVERY PERSON ON THE FIELD WITH MY CLIPBOARD IF WE HAVE TO PLAY OUT THAT SCENARIO AGAIN! ELI - SUIT THE FUCK UP AND GET READY FOR REPS!”
Eli: ::BUUUUUUURP::
[BURP KNOCKS OVER BRANDON JACOBS, LOSS OF 2 YARDS]
Coughlin: “FUUUUUCKKK! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! WE ARE NOT LOSING THIS GAME! WE ARE IN THE SHIT NOW! EVERY GAME THAT WE WIN CONVINCINGLY MEANS THAT IT WILL BE THAT MUCH MORE PAINFUL ON ME WHEN WE TAKE OUR NEXT STEAMING SHIT ON THE FIELD! AND IF IT IS GOING TO BE PAINFUL ON ME THEN I WILL TAKE IT OUT TWO-FOLD ON YOU!”
Baas: ”Coach, when does this end?”
Coughlin: “AT THIS RATE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE THE SUPER BOWL AND HAVE AN UNDEFEATED SEASON NEXT YEAR TOO. NO GETTING AROUND IT. ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE UNACCEPTABLE. HAVE YOU HEARD THESE IDIOTS ON WFAN? EACH FAN’S PSYCHE IS BALANCED PRECARIOUSLY ON WHETHER OR NOT COACH FEWELL EXECUTES THE ZONE EFFECTIVELY. I WILL NOT HAVE BLOOD ON MY HANDS, FELLAS. WILL NOT, CAN NOT.”
Ware: ”Yeah, but coach, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. I mean, if you’re putting me in the game, something bad is going to happen.”
Coughlin: “I KNOW, I KNOW. WELL, WE SHALL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE GET TO IT. FOR NOW IT IS MY JOB TO SPEAK AT YOU IN ALL CAPS AND DEMAND THAT WE WIN. AND IF I REFUSE TO DO IT THEY WILL JUST GET COWHER IN HERE TO TALK LOUDER. NOW, SOMEONE GET THE BOY OVER HERE SOME PEPTO-BISMOL BEFORE HE PROJECTILE-VOMITS COOKIE CREAM ALL OVER MY LOCKER ROOM. WE’VE GOT A PLAYOFF GAME TO WIN THIS WEEK!”
Umenyiora: “I am not retrieving any Pepto-Bismol until I get a contract extension.”
Coughlin: ::SIGH::

Coughlin: “GOD DAMMIT!!! WE ARE FOUR MOTHERFUCKING DAYS AWAY FROM THE FIFTH GAME OF OUR LIVES IN A ROW AND I SEE ALL OF YOUR SORRY ASSES GETTING SOFT IN PRACTICE! WHERE’S ROLLE?!?!”

Umenyiora: ”I am not answering that until I get a contract extension.”

David Carr: ”Coach, Antrel is doing a taping with Howard Stern right now.”

Coughlin: “ASDHJFALSDKJFLADSJF;LJK!!!!”

David Carr: ”It’s ok, coach, we talked to Antrel about his tendency to bring locker room matters into talk radio shows, and we thought it’d be best that he redirect that energy elsewhere. So he’s on there talking about the time that him and Dave Attell went to Vegas with $100,000 in cash.”

Coughlin: “YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT’S GENIUS. WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?”

David Carr: ”Umm, Eli’s not here.”

Coughlin: “WHAAAAT!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY STARTING QUARTERBACK?!?!?”

Eli: ”Uhhhhhhh!!! Tummmy!!!!”

Coughlin: ”GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!?!?”

Eli: ”Mooooooommmmmm!”

Webster: ”Man, I told you not to get in another double-stuff contest with Albert Haynesworth! That guy ain’t got nothin’ else to do but whoop your ass at cookie eating!”

Coughlin: “THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING CATASTROPHE!!! HE’S GONNA MISS HALF A DAY OF PRACTICE OVER THIS! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING MEN? DO YOU WANT THIS GAME TO COME DOWN TO ANOTHER FUCKING BOTCHED SNAP LAST PLAY? I’M NO JIM GODDAMN FASSEL, I AIN’T GOING OUT LIKE THAT! I WILL KILL EVERY PERSON ON THE FIELD WITH MY CLIPBOARD IF WE HAVE TO PLAY OUT THAT SCENARIO AGAIN! ELI - SUIT THE FUCK UP AND GET READY FOR REPS!”

Eli: ::BUUUUUUURP::

[BURP KNOCKS OVER BRANDON JACOBS, LOSS OF 2 YARDS]

Coughlin: “FUUUUUCKKK! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! WE ARE NOT LOSING THIS GAME! WE ARE IN THE SHIT NOW! EVERY GAME THAT WE WIN CONVINCINGLY MEANS THAT IT WILL BE THAT MUCH MORE PAINFUL ON ME WHEN WE TAKE OUR NEXT STEAMING SHIT ON THE FIELD! AND IF IT IS GOING TO BE PAINFUL ON ME THEN I WILL TAKE IT OUT TWO-FOLD ON YOU!”

Baas: ”Coach, when does this end?”

Coughlin: “AT THIS RATE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE THE SUPER BOWL AND HAVE AN UNDEFEATED SEASON NEXT YEAR TOO. NO GETTING AROUND IT. ANYTHING LESS WOULD BE UNACCEPTABLE. HAVE YOU HEARD THESE IDIOTS ON WFAN? EACH FAN’S PSYCHE IS BALANCED PRECARIOUSLY ON WHETHER OR NOT COACH FEWELL EXECUTES THE ZONE EFFECTIVELY. I WILL NOT HAVE BLOOD ON MY HANDS, FELLAS. WILL NOT, CAN NOT.”

Ware: ”Yeah, but coach, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. I mean, if you’re putting me in the game, something bad is going to happen.”

Coughlin: “I KNOW, I KNOW. WELL, WE SHALL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE GET TO IT. FOR NOW IT IS MY JOB TO SPEAK AT YOU IN ALL CAPS AND DEMAND THAT WE WIN. AND IF I REFUSE TO DO IT THEY WILL JUST GET COWHER IN HERE TO TALK LOUDER. NOW, SOMEONE GET THE BOY OVER HERE SOME PEPTO-BISMOL BEFORE HE PROJECTILE-VOMITS COOKIE CREAM ALL OVER MY LOCKER ROOM. WE’VE GOT A PLAYOFF GAME TO WIN THIS WEEK!”

Umenyiora: “I am not retrieving any Pepto-Bismol until I get a contract extension.”

Coughlin: ::SIGH::